Christmas Bailout
We need to bail out Santa Claus; we need to do it quick:
We need a rescue plan because our children love St. Nick.
The mortgages are failing fast on sub-prime North Pole land;
The elf economy can’t last; supply of sugar plums exceeds demand.
It all started when free market principles broke apart badly:
Santa gave stuff away just for free; profits plummeted sadly.
You can’t give and then give every Christmas with naught in return
(Well, unless you’re a parent with love and with cash you can burn).
We need to bail out Old St. Nick; we need a rescue plan:
The course of action that we pick can save him. Yes, We Can.
The stocks are flying south for sure; the elves are in revolt;
The Yuletide curse must have its cure; The CEO named Santa needs a jolt.
There is blame to go round; it is not just the elfish high wages
It is not just the bundling of toys in a way that enrages.
No, we also must point fingers squarely at dear Mrs. Claus
Her accounting shenanigans earn her the title of “Bankruptcy Clause.
We need to bail out Santa Claus; we need to do it fast:
We need a rescue plan because the consequences are so vast.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, let’s not be lax; just ask the IRS
To freely spend your payroll tax to solve the trillion dollar mess.
There is hope if we work on creating some cold Arctic storming
To save Santa’s main workshop from slush due to globalized warming.
If the gumdrop-based assets turn liquid with solar exposure,
North of Greenland we’ll see extreme puddles of melting foreclosure.
We need to bail out Nicholas to save his candy canes.
We need to save him without fuss and soothe his inventory pains.
Since market volatility is vexing Santa Claus, why not just let him grab?
Just let him spend it all because… our grandkids can pick up the tab.
And then while we are at it, let’s fix the North Pole health care system;
Santa’s helpers’ diseases are many, too numerous to list ‘em:
Carpal tunnel from sewing and hammering with no weekends off,
High cholesterol from chocolate, plus your normal, occasional cough.
We need to bail out Old St. Nick with asset-backing bonds.
We need to pile up greenbacks quick in giant holding ponds.
The Secretary of Noël can help our jolly friend.
The Secretary of Noël can make the Christmas crisis end.
And then while we are at it, let’s save the Big Three, the sleigh makers.
There’s a way, though it’s costly, to make us ourselves the risk takers.
Hybrid sleighs are the answer – part gazelle, part giraffe, part bald eagle,
Still part reindeer, but also an earmark for Utah: part cricket, part seagull.
We need to bail out Santa Claus; we need to do it quick:
We need a rescue plan because our children love St. Nick.
Don’t be selfish like a pig, grab buckets now and bail:
Since Christmas is so very big, we simply cannot let it fail.
Richard Hacken
December 2008